Raising Your Grandchildren: The Good, The Hard & The In-between

No one ever expects to raise their grandchildren. When we’re young parents we envision becoming grandparents who have play dates with their grandchildren, pick them up on Friday’s at school, spoil them a bit too much… hopes much like those run through our minds. Yet, many Americans, and cultures all over the world, have grandparents raising their grandchildren. This can be a very challenging time & it’s important to grab onto the resources and help around you.

Let’s talk about the good, the hard, and the in-between of what it really means to raise your grandchildren.

Kinship care, or raising family members that aren’t your own children, can be rewarding as you watch them grow, first hand, help them overcome their fears, and get a first row seat to watching your grandchildren become the people they were created to be- all in a safe, loving environment. The leisurely role of grandparent may slip away as you take on the day-to-day parenting responsibilities, so it’s important to stop and reflect. Taking a moment out of your day, or week, to be “grandma” or “grandpa”. Go get ice cream, don’t wash the dishes and play the game with the kids instead, laugh at the silly tv show, and enjoy the moment. The burden of responsibilities will always be looming, so try to find balance with it and catch a few “grandparent” moments as well.

It’s also important to to acknowledge the hard feelings, you know, the “I should have’s”, “why didn’t I’s”, and “Did I do enough’s?”. Stress is valid, your emotions are valid, and allowing yourself to feel is important. Acknowledge how you’re feeling, possibly pick up journaling, meditating, or listening to music and asking yourself, “How do I feel today?”.

Give yourself the grace to feel and acknowledge those feelings.

There are many resources available to those providing kinship care, from counseling, to support groups, and individual care. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it makes you real. And getting the support you need, means you can give your grandchildren the support they need. A healthy you = a healthy them. So don’t feel selfish for taking time for yourself. It’s easy to get caught up in the “to-do” list and let go of your own hobbies and friends. But I encourage you to hold on to those things as much as you can. Maybe you don’t get to go to every Wednesday morning breakfast with the crew, but you can do bi-weekly. Make the things you enjoy fit into your new schedule.

And while we’re talking about “new”- embrace it.

New schedules, new habits, new routines, new is okay.

New is also scary and difficult, and exhausting at times. But soon, the new will become routine, and on those hard days, remind yourself that you are indeed stronger than you think you are. Hard days come, in every stage of life, and those are the days I like to allow myself a little indulgence; maybe I sleep in for 10 more minutes, or take a little bit of a longer shower & allow the steam to relax me, or pick the kids up from school and grab ice cream.

Sometimes it’s easier to focus on what’s right in front of you, instead of the whole mountain ahead. What’s the next step? Okay, one foot in front of the other, I can take a few steps and not get overwhelmed. But when I look up the mountain, oh man! That’s another story. If you feel that way today, I encourage you to join me in focusing on the next step, and refocus your attention to what is in front of you right now:

What do you see?

What do you smell?

What texture do you feel?

For me, planning is key. I like to plan out my week so I have structure for me and those around me. If the parents are involved in your grandchildren’s lives, it’s important to map out visits with them and try to maintain a positive relationship with them. Creating a routine of visits will help when planning out your schedule as well. Adding in exercise to your schedule will help keep you healthy and relieve stress as well; maybe it’s a walk with your neighbor or spouse, or alone- that one thing you get to do alone each day.

My hope in sharing these tips with you is to remind you that you’re doing a great job (even when it doesn’t feel like it) and remind you that you are not alone. Life does a great job of throwing us curveballs, doesn’t it?

Below are some helpful links and resources available for grandparents raising grandchildren, or anyone parenting a second time. We’re also available to meet with you and walk with you through this season. Please feel free to reach out, we offer telehealth as well if you feel more comfortable with staying home. Call us today to schedule a time to talk: 951-778-0230

~Danisha McCrary, AMFT

I found my passion for working with children, teens and families when I was a Social Worker for Child Protective Services. These families were struggling with issues of substance abuse, homelessness, mental disorders and traumatic events. As a counselor, I desire to assist families to overcome the obstacles that prevent healing, help manage stressful life events and find new healthy directions in life. I am fond of saying, “we all can use a little bit of help from time to time; even me.”

https://www.centralcounselingservices.net/about-danisha

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