Recently, have you come home from work and found dirty dishes in the sink, the dog not fed while your partner is eating Cheetos and watching TV, or Amazon boxes filled with purchases you did not approve? Is the holiday party ground zero for political jabs? If so, check out the Fair Fighting Rules (2104 Therapist Aid LLC).
Before launching into a tirade, take time to think about why you are upset. Was work frustrating? Did you get some bad news? Give yourself a moment to check your feelings.
Discuss one issue at a time, don’t let the argument change topics to something unrelated or something that happened last month.
No degrading language. Discuss the issue, not the person. Cursing is a form of attack and will only lead to more attacks from the other person. The real reason you are upset will be lost.
Express your feeling with words and own them. Saying, “I feel angry” or “I feel sad” helps you express where you are but does not blame. The other person will be more likely to listen further.
Take turns talking. Give the other person two minutes of true listening so they feel heard. They will be much more likely to hear you.
No Stonewalling. Stonewalling is walking out or shutting down. Teens are especially fond of this because they know they can refuse to communicate and listen. Unfortunately, the original issue remains, and everyone is more upset due to not being heard. I agree to come back to the issue later when everyone is calmer.
No yelling. You don’t win by being the loudest and people look at you like you are out of control.
Take a time out if things get too heated. If things get personal and the issue is lost, agree to resume later.
Attempt to come to a compromise. Life is complicated, sometimes we need to agree to disagree but, in the process, both parties feel heard which is the most important thing.
This year try a few of the “rules” with your family and friends. The most important thing to remember is that sometimes all we need is to felt heard.
-Shana Truel, LPCC
If you need more help with fair fighting or other family concerns give us a call and schedule an appointment with Shana 951-778-0230
Shana Truel, LPCC is located in our Murrieta office. Shana’s passion is working with teens and adults that are struggling with anxiety, depression, anger, and Trauma.