“I will never be good enough.” “No one likes me.” “I am worthless.”
We have all heard these statements before. You may have heard someone else say them aloud about themselves, or they have appeared as thoughts swimming around in your own head. Statements like these are referred to as ‘negative self-talk’ or ‘self-disparaging remarks,’ but where exactly do they develop from?
We certainly are not born with these thoughts about ourselves. Somewhere along the course of development, you had experiences that influenced how you think about yourself. Those experiences caused you to develop a belief system about yourself and the world you live in.
Self-esteem is a person’s perception of how they think and feel about themself. High self-esteem leads to one feeling positive and confident about themselves; low self-esteem can cause a person to feel down and depressed. Low self-esteem can occur within disorders such as Depression or Social Anxiety. Low self-esteem can be caused by factors such as being bullied, ridiculed, ignored, abandoned, rejected, or treated unfairly. Your self-esteem can also be influenced by life experiences, trauma, neglect, abuse, and other factors. Low self-esteem often begins in childhood and can persist into adulthood.
A study done by Orth and Robins (2014) concluded that one’s self-esteem starts to increase at adolescence and is consistent through middle adulthood, peaks around the age of 50-60 years, and begins to decline rapidly into old age.
Oftentimes, the focus is given to low self-esteem rather than high self-esteem. People are encouraged to esteem themselves higher and think positively when it comes to their sense of self. How do you know where you lie on the self-esteem spectrum?
Several studies have found that people with high self-esteem:
- appreciate themselves
- appreciate other people
- seek opportunities for personal growth
- are confident in the decisions they make
- are able to focus with ease, on solving their problems
- Have loving and respectful relationships.
- Can kindly and confidently share their wants, needs, and opinions with others.
While people with low self-esteem:
- Are often “people pleasers”
- become easily angered or irritated
- feel their wants, needs, or opinions do not matter
- Have difficulty creating boundaries
- Are overly sensitive to the opinions of others
- Are extremely indecisive
- Have feelings of worthlessness
- avoid taking risks or trying new things
- struggle with confidence
- give more attention to their weaknesses
- Have difficulty saying “no”
- Regularly feel negative emotions like anxiety, depression, or fear.
So, how can you boost your self-esteem?
Acknowledge your strengths – What is working well for you? What skills, abilities, and talents do you already have? Acknowledge past successes and use them to guide you in your present moments towards your future.
Identify your good qualities- You are uniquely, you! Focus on what makes you a good person. Write those qualities down and post them somewhere so that you can read them daily. If you need help, ask a friend or family member to point out good qualities they notice within you.
Develop positive self-talk to increase your confidence- Our thoughts have an effect on our mood and the beliefs we have about ourselves. Create a list of positive statements about yourself, your environment, and your future. From the list, pick one to read daily.
Read/Listen to self-help books or Podcasts – Books are a great resource for learning the skills and tools needed to help you improve the areas of your life that need that extra TLC! If you are not a fan of reading, audiobooks and podcasts are a great alternative.
Journal your feelings- Want a safe place for you to express your thoughts and feelings without punishment or judgment? Get yourself a journal. Journaling can help you to get those negative thoughts out of your head and onto paper. Doing this activity daily can assist with the opportunity to identify negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Set goals and plan for achievement- Set small goals and plan the steps it takes to achieve them. By setting goals and achieving them, you can acknowledge these accomplishments and increase your confidence. A good rule of thumb when setting goals is to make them Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely, aka (S.M.A.R.T goals).
Take care of your body- Exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, avoiding drugs and alcohol, and eating healthy, balanced meals are all great for managing your mental health.
Practice deep breathing/relaxation techniques- There are many benefits to deep breathing, including the reduction of stress. Research has found a link between healthy individuals who practiced deep breathing and relaxation; they were found to have better control over their emotions and mental well-being. Ask your therapist to train you in the use of these techniques if you are not familiar with them.
Seek counseling- Talking to a mental health professional about your self-esteem issues can be helpful. A therapist can help you identify and focus on thinking patterns that contribute to poor self-esteem. A mental health professional can also assist in identifying other related conditions that may be causing you to have a poorer sense of self (e.g., depression, anxiety). You can learn to develop and use coping skills that will support your overall mental health and well-being.
If you find that your journaling or self-talk is negative, you might find speaking to a counselor for a few sessions can really turn your thoughts around. You can set up an appointment with me Danielle Neazer, AMFT or any one of our our therapists. ~Danielle
Zaccaro, A., Piarulli, A., Laurino, M., Garbella, E., Menicucci, D., Neri, B., & Gemignani, A. (2018). How Breath-Control Can Change Your Life: A Systematic Review on Psycho-Physiological Correlates of Slow Breathing. Frontiers in human neuroscience, 12, 353. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353
