You may be asking yourself “why do I need to know what attachment style I have?” Well, knowing gives you the freedom to do some self-reflecting and get help if your attachment style is less than secure. It is also important in regards to building relationships, both romantic and otherwise. Attachment styles come from how our caregivers raised us. It is what shapes our attachment to others in our adult lives.
Let’s take a look at some attachment styles:
Avoidant attachment style– this is a positive self-image but a negative view of the world. This can develop when their caregiver is neglectful. Often these individuals do not trust others and they have a difficult time being vulnerable to others. There is a fear of closeness and intimacy.
What can be done to help overcome this? Start taking emotional risks with other people. It will take practice to communicate needs when feeling vulnerable and allowing others to be in that space. The way of thinking that, nobody can ever really be trusted, will need to be confronted and replaced with healthier ways of thinking and in turn acting. Being able to identify people in your life who have shown you true trustworthy behavior and practicing opening up with them is key to unlearning this attachment style.
Anxious attachment style– this one presents with a negative self-view and a positive world view. This can develop when there is inconsistency from their caregiver. This attachment style will trust others (perhaps a little too much), they often times will look to external views as ways to validate instead of looking within themselves. These people can oftentimes be described as codependent. The thought of being away from their partner gives them anxiety. A strong fear of abandonment is usually present.
A way to help this is to start looking for ways to validate by looking inward. Working on improving self-esteem is a good way to help this as well. Look for things that make you feel important as an individual is helpful. Allow partners to complement your own individual life will work as far as relationships go.
Disorganized attachment style– this one has both a negative world view and a negative self-view. These people have some big traumas to overcome in order to work on this attachment style. This can develop from extreme trauma in the home. These people do not even know what a healthy relationship would LOOK like. They have a hard time self-regulating. This can even involve physical violence in relationships at times.
It is important to work on both the world view as well as the self-image.
Ambivalent insecure attachment– these people will be very anxious. They have experienced much inconsistency in their childhoods. Trusting others is difficult for them. Two people who share this attachment style are often toxic together and make for a chaotic relationship. It is always a push-pull, love-me hate-me type of love.
Secure attachment– this is the one we all are searching for and hope for. This is an understanding of healthy relationships. This person is secure and grounded and can expect a healthy relationship. This is someone who trusts others. They thrive in relationships but do just fine on their own. They are more satisfied with their relationships.
Ready to find out what attachment style you are? Take this quiz to find out!
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Courtney Whetstone, LMFT
I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment – it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.
My specialties include working with children and adolescents, couples, and crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification counseling, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I also teach our co-parenting class here at CCS on Saturday mornings. Please call and set an appointment with me to help you develop new tools to overcome emotional hurdles you are facing with strength and confidence.