One of the first questions I like to ask my client is are you on the same team or on opposing teams?
Do you ever feel like your spouse is not understanding or getting you?
Have you felt afraid, worried, or on egg shells lately when talking to your spouse?
Do you find yourself arguing more often about not being understood?
The best way to figure out what is happening or what went wrong is to use self-reflection and figure out what stressors have been affecting you and your relationship. At times, we are unaware or lack self-awareness to what is happening in our intimate relationship or even ourselves. Some may ask what is self-awareness. I like to explain it as taking a break and asking yourself “how am I doing today or what happened to change my mood?” Many people wear multiple hats and it is hard to check in with self when handling multiple obligations. Some examples: spousal duties, a job, a child, pets, an elderly parent, a sick family member, household responsibilities/chores, errands, finances, family appt.’s, school/sports, daycare, extended family calls, friends, and/or other things that take up our time, you fill in your own blank.
Not to mention, still dealing with current COVID 19 pandemic, social restrictions, and current fear of unknowns. Some relationships are equally stressed to being around a spouse longer periods of times since COVID 19/post pandemic outcomes.
Self-Awareness
I believe the problem we are facing is the lack of self-awareness, not frequently checking in with self, and not asking the right questions:
“how am I doing?” and “what do I need?”
Whatever your role is in your home, life can be complicated, difficult and it takes time to be in tune with ourselves. It is difficult to take care of others unless we take charge of our own mental health by checking in with ourselves. It takes work to eat, sleep, exercise, have fun, make time for self, and being present to enjoy a spouse/family. It takes work to take a time out and reflect on our own needs. I’ve heard this often from either spouse, “I can’t read their mind.” I agree with this statement, “your spouse does not know how to meet your needs unless you know what they are and you communicate it.”
Your Views
Some may say, “well my spouse doesn’t care or doesn’t understand me.” That might be true. However, I like challenging spouses to look at the bigger picture and ask themselves, “how will we get to a place where we can communicate, compromise, and enjoy each other?” Knowing yourself and being able to communicate needs is a good step in the right direction to helping improve your relationship with your spouse. Being able to communicate in a respectful manner and valuing each other’s needs promotes intimacy and relationship with your partner. Our self-mantra can be, “I’m loved, I’m important, I’m able to communicate my needs to build connection with the person I love.” “It can be scary at times, but I can do this.” Ultimately the goal is to draw closer to our spouse and not moving away from them.
There are many ways of helping reduce your fights with your spouse, but it is equally important to reflect on what you tell yourself and what is your mindset. I wish I could say all it takes is taking a magic wand, swirling it over each couple, and fights vanish. If it were that easy, fights or arguments wouldn’t really exist. The bigger question is, “what am I able or willing to do to help draw closer to my spouse?” Another helpful question to ask, “how do I view my spouse?” “are they valuable, important, can we do life together, and are we on the same team?” I hope you say we are teammates.
If your spouse is your teammate, here are some steps/questions to pose to drawing closer to your spouse:
- What am I telling myself about my spouse? Is it helpful, truth based, and will these thoughts draw me closer to my spouse? Understand this before engaging your spouse. If you’re not in the right head space then come up with more helpful or true thinking statements.
- Have I checked in with myself today? Have I identified my needs for today (i.e. coffee, breaks, fun activity, rest, sleep, and help with other duties)? Use self-reflection/checking in with self and identify your mood and decide how you want to approach/engage your spouse.
- If you’re not ready, that is ok like some coaches say, “walk it off.”
- Set up a team meeting with your spouse. It’s time to communicate. Present your list of things that you need for the day/week and approach your spouse to help you be on the same page (i.e. picking up kids, deciding what’s for dinner, and or requesting a break from your regular day). It’s equally important to stay positive and hopeful rather than negative.
- It is also important not assuming your spouse doesn’t care or currently knows your needs if not communicated. It takes work, it is better to communicate your needs in a respectful and loving way in hopes of increasing intimacy. Practice makes perfect and the mindset of, “we are a team and we need each other” is a great way of facing difficulty.
- Lastly, check on your spouse, have you asked what they need, have we worked on helping them feel valued and loved. Have we’ve surprised our spouse lately with the things that they like? Make it a point to make yourself available for them and communicate how valuable they are with affirming words or with a love note.
I think following these steps is a start, but if you are needing some additional help in your relationship please feel free in setting up an appointment for therapeutic services. I know that every relationship is different and each couple has other traumas and barriers that make this difficult to achieve at times. I’d be happy to start this journey of self-discovery, identifying ongoing needs, and exploring ways of improving intimacy with your spouse and decreasing the fights. I hope this information has provided some hope, helpful insight, and ways of improving intimacy with your team mate.
Best of luck in drawing closer to your spouse.
Regards,
Erika Hernandez, LPCC
